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thoughts about self-esteem in dressing

First, day is first of May- celebration! In Finland it´s called Vappu. That weather is so nice now: sun and warm. Time to let loose for a moment and enjoy. We don´t have nothing too special to eat, because yes, still on my diet.. but..don´t tell to my couch..I found chocolate cookies WITHOUT nut´s. Yes, those we have now..
I can´t remember when I have eaten chocolate cookies! First, diet, but even bigger reason: always nut´s in some form. Or, made in factory where nuts are handled. Allergic to those suckers....

But I have balloon!!! We went to store yesterday and I saw this cute red Minnie- balloon. last time, when I have had that kind of balloon was when I was a kid and my dad bought to me. After that "too old". Now, maybe I´m going back on time already and become a child again? :D Yep, thinking my birthday in this month...45years... omg.....

Me and Minnie :)

In Finnish too: Hyvää Vappua kaikki! Happy first of May all!

Then back to that subject, self- esteem and dressing up. Or wearing clothes. 

Few year ago, or should I say, all of my life, I have been a very bold dresser. I use to put such a things together that no one could ever imagine! And those actually looked good. That was in 90´s my signature and my ticket ti be VIP in night clubs. It did opened some door to other places, too. 

But I lost it. I lost that feeling, when I gained my kilos. I did.... I mean, I shoulnt but I did. Because no matter what your size look awesome. But for me? It did mentally- thing:

I drew that with my phone, so...
But that was, how I saw myself. Fat balloon, and no right to dress up. 

Sad but true. And worst part was in my head, I made that thought. 

I was so jealous to all fashion bloggers (sorry about that) because they looked so good in every pic. And I knew, that I had that same passion, but... I´m not worth it anyway...

Because I wasnt happy with me, I started to work about that. Loosing weight. I have to say, that I´m more me now, not yet where I want to be but in a good road to be there one day. Now it feels real already! 

I have become a bit bolder to put some of those clothes on, what I want. Still kind of shy, but hey! Getting there too one day! To me, dressing up is telling something about me. Sometimes you know, what mood I am (just sweat pants all day- cozy OR pissed off) It´s like expressing my self somehow. 

Another "mistake" I made earlier was.. I wasnt true to me. I tried to be like someone else. But fact ti...I´m gonna be that rock- chick till the day I die. Rebel, maybe. I dont like those things, where someone says: you cant use those, you so old! I really feel so in my heart. I think that I´m gonna use my leather skirt when I´m in old people´s home. 

Yesterday I put my new jeans on and also my leather jacket..witch I do love....

So..not too rocking picks, but I´m learning to know me again. This is good therapy for me, and no.. not looking to have latest look here. Just me, learning to be me again. :) 

Putting my picks here is reality for me, how I look. Step by step!

 If it shines and is silvery.... I love it. I´m magpie!!!!

 I love, that jeans has some thing...broken, 70´s..bootcut..

This is a start. :)
Be brave.


Ps. ALL of my clothes H&M. I think that I´m a fan?? :D

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